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"Intimate" Violence against Women3 NBS of Julian DrewA Little PregnantA Natural History of RapeA Parent's Guide to Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning AutismA Stir of BonesAbout a BoyAdult Children of Emotionally Immature ParentsAgainst MarriageAgainst MarriageAlmost a PsychopathAlone TogetherAnatomy of LoveAngelsAnother CountryAnxious ParentsApples and OrangesBe Honest--You're Not That Into Him EitherBeing the Other OneBetrayed as BoysBeyond AddictionBipolar DisorderBoys Will Put You on a Pedestal (So They Can Look Up Your Skirt)Breaking ApartBrief Adolescent Therapy Homework PlannerBringing Up ParentsBut I Love HimCaring for a Child with AutismCaring in Remembered WaysCherishmentChildren of the Aging Self-AbsorbedChildren of the Self-AbsorbedChildren, Families, and Health Care Decision MakingClawsCloserCold HitCoping With Difficult PeopleCouple SkillsCruddyDancing in My NuddypantsDivorce PoisonDoing ItDone With The CryingEcstasyEmotional ClaustrophobiaEmotional Fitness for IntimacyEmotional Intelligence at WorkEntwined LivesErotic PassionsEssentials of Premarital CounselingEvery Pot Has a CoverFacts About ADHD ChildrenFamilies Like MineFamilyFamily BoundFamily FirstFear of IntimacyFinal JeopardyFind MeFlashpointFor Lesbian ParentsForgive Your Parents, Heal YourselfGandhi's WayGeorgia Under WaterGetting over Getting MadGetting the Love You WantGetting the Love You Want Audio CompanionGirl in the MirrorGirl StuffGoing Home without Going CrazyHandbook of AttachmentHandbook of Counseling and Psychotherapy with Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual ClientsHappiness Sold SeparatelyHard to GetHe's Just Not That Into YouHealing ConversationsHollow KidsHot ButtonsHot Chocolate for the Mystical LoverHow Families Still MatterHow to Create Chemistry with AnyoneHow to Give Her Absolute PleasureHow to Handle a Hard-To-Handle KidHow to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can'tI am Not Sick I Don't Need Help!I Don't Know How She Does ItI Hate You-Don't Leave MeI Only Say This Because I Love YouI'm OK, You're My ParentsIn the Mood, AgainInside the American CoupleIntrusive ParentingIt's Called a Breakup Because It's BrokenIt's Love We Don't UnderstandJakarta MissingKeeping Passion AliveKeeping Your Child in MindLet's Get This StraightLiberation's ChildrenLife's WorkLikely to DieLove JunkieLove SickLove Times ThreeLove Works Like ThisLoving Someone With Bipolar DisorderLoving Someone with Borderline Personality DisorderLust in TranslationMaking the RunMaking the RunManic DepressionMars and Venus - Starting Over.Mating in CaptivityMom, Dad, I'm Gay.MotherstylesMurder in the InnMysterious CreaturesNecessary NoiseOdd Girl OutOpenOpening to Love 365 Days a YearOphelia's MomOrgasmsOur Journey Through High Functioning Autism and Asperger SyndromeOut of the DustOvercoming Your Difficult FamilyParenting and the Child's WorldParenting on the GoParenting Your Out-Of-Control TeenagerParents and Digital TechnologyParents Do Make a DifferencePassionate MarriagePlanet JanetPreventing Misbehavior in ChildrenProblem Child or Quirky Kid?Raising AmericaRaising ElijahRaising Kids in an Age of TerrorRaising Kids in the 21st CenturyRaising Resilient ChildrenRay's a LaughRelationship RescueRespect-Me RulesRomantic IntelligenceRoom For JSecrets of a Passionate MarriageSelf-NurtureSelfish, Shallow, and Self-AbsorbedSex Addiction: The Partner's PerspectiveShidduch CrisisSickenedSingleSlut!Socrates in LoveSomeone Like YouSong for EloiseSpecial SiblingsSpiritually Healing the Indigo Children (and Adult Indigos, Too!)Staying Connected to Your TeenagerStaying Sane When Your Family Comes to VisitStop Arguing with Your KidsStop SignsStop Walking on EggshellsStop Walking on EggshellsStrong, Smart, & BoldSummer of the SkunksSurviving a Borderline ParentTaking Charge of AngerTelling SecretsThank You for Being Such a PainThe Anti-Romantic ChildThe AwakeningThe Bastard on the Couch CDThe Birth of PleasureThe Brief Couples Therapy Homework Planner with DiskThe Bully Action GuideThe Burden of SympathyThe Commercialization of Intimate LifeThe CorrectionsThe Couples Psychotherapy Treatment PlannerThe DisappearanceThe Dream BearerThe Educated ParentThe Emotional RevolutionThe Employee Assistance Treatment PlannerThe EpidemicThe Ethics of ParenthoodThe Ethics of the FamilyThe Gay Baby BoomThe Good DivorceThe Guide for International Intercultural Couples and Families Intercultural MarriageThe Healing Journey for CouplesThe Hostile HospitalThe Husbands and Wives ClubThe Inside Story on Teen GirlsThe Introvert AdvantageThe Little FriendThe Love HexagonThe Moral Intelligence of ChildrenThe Neuroscience of Human RelationshipsThe New I DoThe Normal OneThe Nurture AssumptionThe OASIS Guide to Asperger SyndromeThe Other ParentThe Philosophical ParentThe Psychology of Parental ControlThe Real Rules for GirlsThe Reflective ParentThe Right to Be ParentsThe Secret Lives of WivesThe Spider and the BeeThe State of AffairsThe StepsThe Story of My FatherThe Velveteen FatherThe Virgin BlueThe Visitation HandbookThe Whole ChildTo Have and To Hurt:Two Is EnoughUnderstanding MarriageUnderstanding the Borderline MotherUnhitchedUp in FlamesWe've Got IssuesWhat about the KidsWhat Goes UpWhat Is Secular Humanism?What It Means to Love YouWhat Our Children Teach UsWhen a Parent is DepressedWhen Mars Women DateWhen Someone You Love Is BipolarWhen Someone You Love Is DepressedWhy Are You So Sad?Will You, Won't You?WomanWorking With Emotional IntelligenceWorried All the TimeYes, Your Teen Is Crazy!
In Every Pot Has A Cover, psychologist, Salamon provides useful tools for people interested in finding an appropriate mate. He believes wholeheartedly that they must first understand themselves and others before choosing a mate. According to Salamon and other experts in the field, the attraction between people is often due to unconscious reasons which may sometimes be positive.
He presents an impressive study of personality based on the history of personality measurement, genetics, attributes, attitudes, and general health. He also relies on the widely accepted Diagnostic Statistical Manual, published by The American Psychiatric Association and considered by most mental health professionals as the accepted criteria for diagnosis of mental conditions. This is not to imply that everyone has a mental and/or a personality disorder, simply, it is a good frame of reference by which to describe certain aspects of personality.
It is also wise to consider that there are certain personality disorders that can cause pain in a relationship which must not be overlooked.
He points out that in his experience individuals with a given personality disorder usually are attracted to others with the same personality disorder. However, he finds that those with borderline personality disorder are often not only attracted to people who share their characteristics, but are also attracted to people with narcissistic personality disorder due to a close similarity of features in both these conditions.
Salamon describes the magnetic attraction between the dependent personality and the histrionic personality which draws from their needs, fantasies and expectations.
He discusses co-dependency (a term derived from the addiction recovery movement) Co-dependent people unconsciously want to be perceived as indispensable by their significant other in order to avoid abandonment. This reviewer is in agreement with Salamon’s preference to labeling such a person “dependent or histrionic—if one is forced to make a diagnosis.
He demonstrates an overlap of personality characteristics among the various personality disorders which should be of interest to mental health professionals sometimes hard pressed to make the best diagnosis.
Salamon has learned through his years of experience with couples that they must find ways to open themselves up to what they need as individuals and from each other. They must confront a difficult decision: Will the differences between them separate them or bring them close?
Compatibility is most often seen in couples who are more alike than different. A couple should be best friends. He makes a good case for the importance of accommodation in relationships and allowing for individuality. It is imperative that in a satisfactory marriage couples must feel trust, support and fidelity from one another. In a modern marriage roles need not be clearly defined. Each does what he or she can do best.
Providing case vignettes from his practice, Salamon makes personality characteristics come alive and shows how people perceive themselves and their perception and reaction to others.
He believes that our core personality defines who we are and how we choose to live. He clearly describes the particular aspects of certain personalities that cause couples to be drawn to one another. Usually they have a good comfort level with one another, either because each behaves in familiar ways to the other. However, this can be a misleading trap, when what is familiar is not always good.
Salamon and others can attest that most satisfied married couples have similar personalities, expectations, and are willing to accommodate.
His goal is for readers to apply the knowledge he provides to their relationship choices. But first, he cautions, we must know ourselves. Thus, he offers a chapter designed to create insight and understanding into one’s own personality profile. The profile includes the most current five primary factors: Neuroticism, Extroversion, Openness to Experience, Conscientiousness. He acknowledges that the scale does not have statistical reliability nor standardized norms, but it can serve as a comparison for couples to see how alike or different they are from each other.
The most interesting parts of the book for this reader are the case studies and what we learn from them.
Salamon has the voice of a benevolent authority.
Link: Book website
© 2008 Sandra Levy Ceren
Sandra Levy Ceren, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, Diplomate, Marital and Sex Therapy, American Board of Family Psychology, Fellow, Academy of Family Psychology