email page print pageAll Topic Reviews
12 and HoldingA Guide to Asperger SyndromeA Lethal InheritanceA Mother's Courage: Talking Back to AutismA Parent's Guide to Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning AutismA Special EducationA Toss Of The DiceA Tribe ApartA User Guide to the GF/CF Diet for Autism, Asperger Syndrome and AD/HDA Walk in the Rain With a BrainABC of Eating DisordersADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your LifeADHD Grown UpADHD in the Schools: Assessment and Intervention StrategiesADHD NationAdolescence and Body ImageAdolescent DepressionAggression and Antisocial Behavior in Children and AdolescentsAll Alone in the UniverseAlpha GirlsAmericaAnother PlanetAntisocial Behavior in Children and AdolescentsAsperger Syndrome and Your ChildAsperger Syndrome, Adolescence, and IdentityAsperger's and GirlsAssessment of Childhood DisordersAttention Deficit DisorderAttention-Deficit Hyperactivity DisorderAttention-Deficit/Hyperactivity DisorderAutism - The Eighth Colour of the RainbowAutism and MeAutism's False ProphetsAutistic Spectrum DisordersBad GirlBeen There, Done That? DO THIS!Before I DieBetween Two WorldsBeyond AppearanceBig Mouth & Ugly GirlBipolar ChildrenBipolar Disorder in Childhood and Early AdolescenceBipolar DisordersBipolar KidsBlackwell Handbook of Childhood Cognitive DevelopmentBody Image, Eating Disorders, and ObesityBody Image, Eating Disorders, and Obesity in YouthBoy AloneBrain-Based Therapy with Children and AdolescentsBreaking PointBreathing UnderwaterBringing Up ParentsBullying and TeasingBullying PreventionBut I Love HimCan't Eat, Won't EatCaring for a Child with AutismCatalystChild and Adolescent PsychiatryChild and Adolescent Psychological DisordersChild and Adolescent PsychopathologyChild NeuropsychologyChild Well-BeingChildren and SexualityChildren Changed by TraumaChildren with Emerald EyesChildren with Sexual Behavior ProblemsChildren, Sexuality and SexualizationChildren’s Dreaming and the Development of Consciousness City of OneCommunication Issues In Autism And Asperger SyndromeConcepts of NormalityConcise Guide to Child and Adolescent PsychiatryConquering the Beast WithinConsuming KidsContesting ChildhoodCount Us InCrackedCrossesCutCyber-Safe Kids, Cyber-Savvy TeensDamageDemystifying the Autistic ExperienceDescartes' BabyDilemmas of DesireDirtyDisconnected KidsDoing SchoolDon't Bother Me Mom--I'm Learning!Don't Pick On MeDying to Be ThinEarly Intervention Programs and PoliciesEating an ArtichokeEducating Children With AutismEight Stories UpElijah's CupEmerald City BluesEmotional and Behavioral Problems of Young ChildrenEpilepticEthical Dilemmas in PediatricsEvery Girl Tells a StoryExiting NirvanaExploiting ChildhoodEye ContactFacing BipolarFamily HistoryFast GirlsForever YoungFreaks, Geeks and Asperger SyndromeFreewillFrictionGirl CultureGirl in the MirrorGirlfightingGirlhoodGirlWiseHandbook of Evidence-Based Therapies for Children and AdolescentsHandbook of Preschool Mental HealthHealing ADDHelping Children Cope With Disasters and TerrorismHelping Hyperactive KidsHelping Parents, Youth, and Teachers Understand Medications for Behavioral and Emotional ProblemsHelping Students Overcome Depression and AnxietyHelping Teens Who CutHollow KidsHope's BoyHow Infants Know MindsHow to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What to Do If You Can'tHurry Down SunshineI Am Not Joey PigzaIdentifying Hyperactive ChildrenIf Your Adolescent Has an Eating DisorderIn the Company of CraziesIncorporating Social Goals in the ClassroomIntegrated YogaIntrusive ParentingIssues for Families, Schools and CommunitiesJake RileyJoey Pigza Loses ControlJoey Pigza Swallowed the KeyJuvenile-Onset SchizophreniaKim: Empty InsideLearning and Behavior Problems in Asperger SyndromeLearning Disorders and Disorders of the Self in Children and AdolescentsLearning Outside the Lines Let Kids Be KidsLiberation's ChildrenLife As We Know ItLisa, Bright and DarkLook Me in the EyeLoserLove and SexLove That DogMad at SchoolMaking ADD WorkMaking American BoysManicMastering Anger and AggressionMaverick MindMedicating ChildrenMind FieldsMind to MindMommy I'm Still in HereMore Than a LabelMy Flesh and BloodMyths of ChildhoodNew Hope for Children and Teens with Bipolar DisorderNew Look at ADHD: Inhibition, Time, and Self-ControlNo Child Left DifferentNo Two AlikeNon-Drug Treatments for ADHDNot Much Just Chillin'NurtureShockOdd Girl OutOdd Girl Speaks OutOne Hot SecondOne in ThirteenOphelia SpeaksOphelia's MomOur Journey Through High Functioning Autism and Asperger SyndromeOut of the WoodsOvercoming ADHDOvercoming School AnxietyParenting a Child Who Has Intense EmotionsParenting Children With ADHDParenting Your Out-Of-Control TeenagerPediatric PsychopharmacologyPediatric PsychopharmacologyPediatric PsychopharmacologyPeople with HyperactivityPhobic and Anxiety Disorders in Children and AdolescentsPINSPlease Don't Label My ChildPraising Boys WellPraising Girls WellProblem Child or Quirky Kid?Problem GirlsPsychotherapy for Children and AdolescentsPsychotherapy with Children and AdolescentsPurgeRaising a Moody ChildRaising BlazeRaising Generation RxRaising Resilient ChildrenReady or Not, Here Life ComesReclaiming Our ChildrenRedressing the EmperorReducing Adolescent RiskRemembering Our ChildhoodResilience in ChildrenRethinking ADHDReweaving the Autistic TapestryRitalin is Not the Answer Action GuideRitalin NationRunning on RitalinRunning with ScissorsRutter's Child and Adolescent PsychiatrySeeing EzraSex and the American TeenagerSex, Therapy, and KidsSexting and Young PeopleSexual Teens, Sexual MediaShort Term 12Should I Medicate My Child?SmashedSnapshots of AutismSongs Without WordsSophie Spikey Has a Very Big ProblemSpeakStaying Connected to Your TeenagerStick FigureStraight Talk about Psychiatric Medications for KidsStraight Talk about Psychological Testing for KidsStraight Talk about Your Child's Mental HealthStrange SonStudent DepressionSuicidal Behavior in Children and AdolescentsSurvival Strategies for Parenting Children with Bipolar DisorderSurviving OpheliaTaking Charge of ADHD, Revised EditionTaming the Troublesome ChildTemple GrandinThe American Psychiatric Publishing Textbook Of Child And Adolescent PsychiatryThe Anti-Romantic ChildThe Bipolar ChildThe Boy Who Loved Too MuchThe Boy Who Loved WindowsThe Boy Who Was Raised as a DogThe Buffalo TreeThe Bully Action GuideThe Bully, the Bullied, and the BystanderThe Burn JournalsThe Color of AbsenceThe Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-TimeThe Depressed ChildThe Developing MindThe Dragons of AutismThe Einstein SyndromeThe EpidemicThe Evolution of ChildhoodThe Explosive ChildThe Eyes of van GoghThe Fasting GirlThe Field of the DogsThe Flight of a DoveThe Hidden Gifts of the Introverted ChildThe Horse BoyThe Identity TrapThe Inner World of a Suicidal YouthThe Inside Story on Teen GirlsThe Kindness of StrangersThe Last Normal ChildThe Little MonsterThe Medicated ChildThe Myth of LazinessThe New Gay TeenagerThe Nurture AssumptionThe OASIS Guide to Asperger SyndromeThe Other ParentThe Perversion of YouthThe Philosophy of AutismThe Psychoanalytic Study of the ChildThe Real Truth About Teens and SexThe Ride TogetherThe Rise and Fall of the American TeenagerThe Science of ADHDThe Sex Lives of TeenagersThe Survival Guide for Kids With LD*The Unhappy ChildThen Again, Maybe I Won'tTherapy with ChildrenThings I Have to Tell YouThings Tom LikesThrough the Glass WallThumbsuckerTotally WiredTouching Spirit BearTrauma in the Lives of ChildrenTreating ADHD and Comorbid DisordersTreatment of Childhood DisordersTwistedUnder the Wolf, Under the DogUnhappy TeenagersUnstrange MindsWastedWe've Got IssuesWeather Reports from the Autism FrontWhat about the KidsWhat in the World Are Your Kids Doing Online?What Works for Whom?What Would Joey Do?What's Happening to My Body? Book for BoysWhat's Happening to My Body? Book for GirlsWhat's Happening to Tom?When Nothing Matters AnymoreWhen Your Child Has an Eating DisorderWhose America?Why Don't Students Like SchoolWill's ChoiceWinnicott On the ChildWorried All the TimeYou Hear MeYoung Minds in Social WorldsYoung People and Mental HealthYour Child, Bully or Victim?
What About The Kids by Wallerstein
and Blakeslee is a book for all homes experiencing the first throws of major
conflict through the final settling of things "back to normal" after
the divorce. This reviewer has found it so beneficial that it is routinely
recommended to patients undergoing the wars of marriage and the reconstruction
of the new family unit.
Chapters Three through Nine
eloquently explain the developmental challenges that children go through.
These chapters give a down to Earth cookbook of how these developmental stages
are effected and worked through during the stress of divorce and the all so
difficult rebuilding period that follows. Each developmental stage, looked at
as critical ages when children / adolescents form much of their personality
superstructure, dramatically effecting the rest of their lifespan, is examined
in the light of the most recent findings highlighting the parental roles and
the "how to" of coping with and enhancing the quality of life of
children in the midst of chaos.
Because these challenges last many years, this book is a
guide for parents who are thinking about divorce, who are in the process of
getting a divorce, or who split up a few or even many years ago and are deeply
concerned about how their children are doing in the post-divorce families. It
describes the changes that you will experience in those first few days, weeks,
and months after the decision is made and what you can do to take and stay in
control of your life. I can tell you exactly what to say to your children and
how, depending on their ages, they are likely to respond. I can lead you
through those first crazy years after divorce and describe what you can do to
protect your children from harm.
In this reviewer's estimation, these statements are not
idle boasts. The information imparted is presented in such a way that readers
will appreciate the simplicity and straight forward approaches given by the
authors. The book eschews psychobabble and circular logic that is pandemic in
many parental self-help books. The clarity is crisp and the information is
directly applicable to real life situations that this reviewer sees in his Beverly Hills private practice on a daily basis.
One of the things that judges are constantly ordering is
anger management treatment for one or more of the divorcing spouses. However,
the techniques used for adults to deal with anger, don't always adapt well to
the children of divorce. In most cases, the children of divorce are dealing
with a grief reaction. Anger is very much part of that process. Although you
keep assuring your children that they are still at the center of the family,
however divided by parental fighting, oftentimes the children's anger is
overlooked as the child just being selfish. Under that anger are children who
are worried, and fearful that the basic, "scaffolding he needs to support
growing up," is being ripped away. The chapter on anger deals directly
with this entire process.
In this same vein, children will be very manipulative where
shared custody or visitation is concerned. They will often act out their
frustrations by working one parent against the other. Telling direct untruths
are not at all out of character for a frightened and angry child.
If you can't communicate well and are tempted to believe
whatever your child says about your ex, try not to get caught in the web. One
father in our study always said to his son, "Tell me what you want, not
what your mom said. I'll make up my own mind." Just make it clear that
you make the rules for your turf. You're not responsible for what happens in
the other household. Moreover, you don't want to get drawn into issues that
are not worth fighting over.
Always chose your fights. Forget the small stuff. Much of
what you hear from your children about your ex is filtered through their own
desires and fears. You have every right to run your household and your
relationship with your children the way you decide to; keeping in mind the best
interests of the child. Children should never be used as pawns in a war
started in the divorce courts.
Since an estimated half of the children in divorced
families are six years old or younger at the breakup, a majority of children of
divorce enter and live through their adolescence in the post-divorce family.
Adolescence is a time of great change psychically,
psychologically, and psychosocially. In a family that is in total congruence
with both parents communicating at an optimal level, the path of adolescence is
a rocky one and one where manipulation by the adolescents involved is at an all
time high. Parents are often seen as objects to be gotten around; particularly
in light of the evidence that most adolescents view their parents as meddlesome
creatures with IQs less than idiots, if not brain dead altogether.
Children of divorce tend to enter adolescence earlier than
peers from intact families. They tend to persist in adolescent behavior longer
than those same peers—sometimes well into their late twenties. It's even
likely but not a certainty that the teenage years will be stormy…Nationally,
girls from divorced families are more likely to engage in early sexual
behavior, which in my experience can be as early as age twelve. Boys tend to
engage in delinquent behavior at an earlier age—"just try and stop
me" is a phrase you will hear a lot.
This book is well worth having and referring to often. It
has sound practical advise that I have seen work for patients in my private
practice. It is at the top of my recommendation list for couples divorcing.
The stressors that the book addresses are very real, and left for later or
ignored completely may lead to psychological trauma over the entire lifespan of
the children involved. It is always an appropriate gift for family and friends
who are going though divorce, and vital for you as a parent involved in even
the most amicable separations and or divorces.
© 2004 James E. de Jarnette
James E. de Jarnette, Ph.D.,
Forensic Child Custody Evaluator